Yesterday, I had an incredibly powerful yoga class. I spent the entire class practically wtih my eyes closed. It wasn’t intentional at first but then had great meaning for me. We started with a little flow and then stopped with eyes closed to “set an intention” as my teacher says. I closed my eyes and had some tears come out. I decided on this early early morning (I do yoga at 6 AM), I was going to search inward for the light, for the joy. That I could not attach to finding that in the stressful situations before me. That no matter how Zubin does on the steroids or if and when he deteriorates to a wheelchair, that no matter how he does in school or if we feel we get what we need there, that joy is not something I can wait for from these things. I have to search inward and get joy from within. And so I closed my eyes and set my intention, to search for the light and peace within.
And so that is how I did my yoga yesterday morning. In darkness. But it was so peaceful. When thoughts came to trouble me, I was right there with them instead of looking at them from the outside. When emotions bubbled up, I felt closer to them in awareness. I lost my balance more often with my eyes closed but it was powerful to find my balance only from within and not from focusing on any external landmark. And mostly, it was so quiet. There were little distractions, not distractions of others doing poses differently than myself, of my teacher walking around, of watching my own body in a pose. It was just quiet and dark….But filled with so much light and peace…
Editor’s note: This post was originally published Oct. 27, 2011 in Dr. Sethi’s Mindful Mothering blog. She is the mother of three, and her middle child, Zubin, has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, a fatal diagnosis. In her blog she finds “a place to release the joys, sadness, and triumphs that I have found through mothering.” All of us at the Center wish her a very happy birthday today!
